Real Confessions.....

i don't know what to call it...

Time goes on and we continue this little dance. The flirting has progressed to full making out; above the waist… I am too young and nervous for anything more than that. And for some reason, he doesn’t push the issue. In my mind, I believe he respects me. We secretly find ways to see each other and steal secret moments. My mom has a daycare and she watches his daughter during the day. When he drops her off, he gives me and my best friend (CeCe) a ride to jr. high every morning. I pass him a daily note on the way to school.

One morning CeCe asks me about the note, she notices… I make up some lame story of a list for a church thing. Oh, did I mention that? We all go to the same church. So that summer before school, I spend a lot of time with this family and another family. They are young couples and I am one of the kids. We go camping, hang out at the lake, etc.. All the fun summer things and I am smitten…

Things continue…I remember in the late summer afternoons, about an hour before he is supposed to come home from work and pick up his daughter, I start the primping. I wash and style my hair, put on a cute outfit. I actually sit on the front lawn and wait. Funny thing, I remember my dad saying something to my mom about this seems ‘off’. My dad says something isn’t right and he feels uncomfortable with the attention I am giving this man. My mom retorts back that he goes to our church and my dad is crazy. Now looking back, my dad was more wise in the ways of men.. and the ways of the world and he knew something was wrong. My mom – figured if you went to church, you made good choices… Well – we all know now who was right.

He starts to get more intense with his feelings towards me. For some reason, things start to feel uncomfortable to me. He starts asking about my whereabouts now and wanting to know what I am doing and who I am with all the time.  That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach keeps creeping up again. I have been pushing it back  but it creeps up… It is like heartburn. I feel as thought I am starting to lose interest.

I decide I am going to end things and back off.  My initial attempts at this don’t work. He is not ready to let go of me. He can’t live without me. I am feeling smothered and afraid. I remember one day, he took the day off from work. I can’t even remember now how we arranged this. He picked me up and we went to this beautiful place near the beach with old forts, and rocks for climbing ,etc… We have the afternoon together. We run around, hug, find some private moments for a kiss or two… I remember parts of this day very clearly. I remember feeling lost. I remember praying how to end this. How to make this stop. I remember feeling scared and not knowing how to approach the subject again as my previous attempts were unsuccessful. I am only 12 and I don’t have the maturity to handle a situation like this. I just feel sick all the time now. 

On this day, we saw the parents of one of my church youth group’s friends. They were also at the beach that day. I remember we were walking and joking around arm and arm bounding about and we ran smack into them. I stopped dead. I remember looking into Sara’s mom’s eyes and she gave me this funny look. The moment was so awkward and in like slow motion. I have no idea what was said between the adults. I remember immediately looking at the ground after that strange eye contact. We left right after that.

There was another couple who were best friends with R and his wife. They were also the youth group leaders of our church. I started to develop a  major crush on the husband JT.  I am 13 at this point. He flirts and teases me and I love the attention. R starts to notice my attention on JT and gets very jealous and cranky.  Things are not going well, I am wanting out of this weird, strange thing that is going on but I have no idea what to do. So I cry and pray.

chapter tooooooooooo

ok, so to this very day, i have never told CeCe about what happened. We lost touch a few years after highschool and were just recently in touch for a H.S. reunion. Oh how great it was so see her.. We went back to the old neighborhood.  Just seeing our old houses around the corner fom each other brought back a flood of memories - some good, some not so good... but it was great to see her... still torn - sometimes victims of child abuse or molestation often feel guilt about not telling - the shame, the embarrassment, whatever the reason and now 30 years later, what would be the point? altho I often wonder if I had said something - what havoc that would be brought down.. but then did he do that to anyone else? his sisters even? I just can't go there...

I am 12 and I babysit. There is this couple in our church who has a young daughter and a step daughter who only visits every other weekend, etc... she is 10. The youngest is 5 or 6 I can't remember...now. Anyway - I spend alot of time at their house when Rebecca is visiting (the older sister) so she has someone to play with. (her parents idea). We get along great, we become spend alot of time together. We stay up late watching movies (scary ones of coure!) -  We play board games, talk about dreams for the future (which boy currently have a crush on that doesn't even know we exist.. you know the usual young girl stuff...) Even though Rebecca is 10, she is more mature for her age, and so am I. I am not mature in the worldly sense - as I have lived a sheltered life compared to my many cousins and friends. My parents are super strict..  but I am let out to babysit.... It's funny when I was in grade school, I could roam the neighborhood with my friends for hours - unsupervised... and I had to be home when the streetlights came on... the strict thing comes into play as a teenager - Most of my life to this point has been babysitting, TV, and church. We go to church Sunday, Sunday night, Wed night and now sometimes Friday night for youth group.  My whole body tightens as I begin to write about this.. the memories flooding back, too fast for me to type - I feel like I am in the ocean and the waves are so high.

So it starts with innocent flirting.. I am 12, i love the attention. 27 years later I realize that lack of attention from my father contributes to my need for attention... i know dime store psychobabble...could be true. Anyway - I start to feel special... and important.. then things progress to wrestling and tickling.. I remember the first kiss - we are wrestling on the floor, it's late at night and the three of us (we will call him Rod.) Rod, Rebecca and I are up late watching a movie - the wife is in bed asleep. He asks me to scratch his back, he takes off his shirt - and I scratch... in my mind I think, so this is what it is like to be a wife - scracthing a back.. getting a cold soda for him, etc... this is fun, i think

so, we wrestle, he starts to tickle me, i am laughing so hard - wriggling around, he pins my arms and hands and everthing stops. Rebecca is sitting near by - she was joining in on the fun - and then for a second it stops.. Again - the world seems to move in slow motion - he leans in and kisses me. He then gets up and goes upstairs to bed - leaving me there on the floor confused. What was that? Rebecca turns away ignores it and we say nothing. We go get a drink, go back to watching our movie. But something has changed between us. I am so confused, I don't know what to think. I think to myself wow- and older guy likes me - I feel special and important.. yet confused...

I am 12 and he is 30.

my story...

          I met her in the 2nd grade. CeCe just moved here from Canada with her family. I spotted the new girl right away as we stood in line waiting to go into school that morning. I turned around and waved at her, she waved right back with a big smile. How many people can honestly say they remember the exact moment when they met their chidhood bestfriend. This story is not about her or our friendship. We were inseperable. We would walk to school and home from school together and then spend the after school hours playing together.. sometimes my house, sometimes her house. I had a TV, she did not - so she loved to come over and watch TV. I was so bored with TV that I wanted to go outside and play and explore. CeCe had two older sisters and one older brother, Roger. I have to admit, I was jealous. I did have older brothers and sisters but they were much older and already living on their own. I was really an only child in the house with older parents. CeCe's house was lively. There was always lots of noise. Her mom was a stay at home mom, the Little House on the Praire kind of mom.

        One day after school we all decided to play hide and seek. A favorite childhood game to most children. I loved this game mostly because I didn't have the chance to play it very much, living at home with no other children. I was thrilled. CeCe's older brother Roger, decided to hide with me. Roger was 15 at the time. I can't to this day, remember his face. All I can remember is his hands. I remember sitting on his lap on the stairs to her cellar as we were hiding. He began to run the inside of my thighs with his big hands. He rubbed back and forth, never saying a word. We never spoke during that time. I remember thinking, this is weird. I remember having that sick feeling in my tummy and being so confused. Right after that, we were found by CeCe's older sister Sam and I decided just to go home.

          I wish i could tell you, if it happened again. In my mind, I feel like it did. I just can't plain remember. That one moment sticks out in my mind. Did I block out the rest? I don't know. We didn't see her brother much after that summer. He found a girlfriend and continued on his teenage life... I often wonder if he did that to his sisters... I have NEVER said a word of this to anyone, ever. I blocked it out of my mind for a long time and then one day, I saw it happening. I played the scene in my head - and all I can see are those hands.

        This would start a train wreck of events that would deeply shape my life for the future.